By by stella
So, imagine me showing up at a Kikuyu wedding, uninvited, just for the vibes and maybe some free food. I’m there, trying to blend in, when an auntie grabs my arm and goes,
Auntie: “Eh, buda, whose son are you?”
Me (sweating): “Ah, niko tu na Mama Njeri…”
Auntie (raising her eyebrow): “Which Mama Njeri? Kuna wengi hapa!”
Me: “Yule msee wa kitenge, anakuwanga na story mob!”
Auntie: “Sawa, just don’t finish the nyama choma before elders, sindio?”
I ended up in random family photos, got a lecture about marriage, and queued for food only to realize I was in the kids’ line. When I finally got my pilau, I tripped and wore half of it, but at least I didn’t miss out on the nyama choma. Just as I was planning my escape, I got dragged into a dance, messed up the moves kabisa, and became the unofficial entertainment.
Then, out of nowhere, someone shoved the bouquet my way—I caught it! Suddenly, everyone started cheering, chanting “Next! Next!” and one uncle even tried to set me up with his daughter on the spot. At that point, I knew it was time to disappear before I got added to the family WhatsApp group.
I finally sneaked back home, only for my mum to ask, “Ulikuwa wapi na umevaa smart hivo?” I just said, “Ah, nilikuwa tu mtaa…” and dashed to my room before more questions followed.
Oh, and I didn’t leave empty-handed—I walked away with a branded wedding soda and a mysterious tupperware full of pilau. Classic Kenyan wedding swag!
Moral of the story: Always say yes to free food, but next time, confirm whose wedding you’re crashing—otherwise, utawekwa kwa WhatsApp group ya family by force!
