By by Stanley mbithi mwendwa
In an ideal world, marriage is the one place where I should feel safe, understood, and free to unburden my soul. But in reality, there are moments when I, like many men, would rather stay silent than speak about the things that are troubling me — even with my wife. It’s not about pride, secrecy, or a lack of love. It’s about something deeper: a complicated mixture of emotional wiring, societal expectations, fear, and protection.
The Weight of Expectations. From a young age, men are taught to be providers, protectors, and problem-solvers.
We’re told that strength means resilience, silence, and the ability to “handle things.” When something weighs heavily on my mind — stress from work, financial fears, personal doubts — sharing it feels like I’m somehow failing in those roles. I don’t want to seem like I’m unraveling. I want to appear in control, especially in front of the person I love.
The Fear of Misunderstanding. It’s not that I believe my wife is incapable of understanding.
She’s empathetic, supportive, and wise. But sometimes, my thoughts aren’t even clear to me. How do I explain the pressure I feel without it sounding like I’m complaining or being weak? How do I share a burden I can’t define without causing confusion, or worse — unintentionally hurting her?
Not Wanting to Add to Her Worries
one of the strongest reasons I hold things in is because I don’t want to be another weight on her shoulders. I see how hard she works, the responsibilities she juggles, and the worries she quietly manages. If I offload my own stress, I feel like I’m transferring the pain rather than resolving it. I’d rather take the hit quietly than see it reflected in her tired eyes.
Silence Feels Safer Than Vulnerability: To open up is to be vulnerable
And vulnerability, for many men, feels like walking a tightrope with no safety net. What if my fears make her see me differently? What if she thinks less of me for not having all the answers? As irrational as it may be, these thoughts whisper in the back of my mind, urging me to keep the mask on.
Sometimes, I Just Don’t Have the Words
There are times when the pain, confusion, or frustration I’m feeling can’t be put into words. It’s a storm without a name. Speaking about it might only make it feel more real, more overwhelming. So instead, I stay silent, trying to process it alone, hoping I’ll find clarity in time.
A Quiet Struggle, Not a Lack of Love
keeping quiet doesn’t mean I don’t trust my wife. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It means that sometimes, as a man, I carry a different kind of emotional burden — one that I haven’t yet figured out how to fully share.
I hope one day we, as men, can unlearn some of the emotional silence we’ve been taught. I hope our relationships can be places of healing and honesty, not just duty and strength. Until then, know that my silence isn’t distance. It’s just a language I’m still learning how to translate.
