By by Emmanuel Luvembe
“Be a man.”
That phrase used to confuse me more than inspire me. I heard it from teachers, uncles, even strangers — whenever I showed too much emotion, asked for help, or hesitated in tough moments. At first, I thought being a man meant being tough, unbreakable, always in control. But growing up, I realized I was carrying the weight of an identity I didn’t fully understand. This article is part personal journey, part reflection — about what it really means to grow into manhood, and how I’ve learned to redefine masculinity on my own terms.
Men’s Identity: The Mask I Wore
As a boy, I was always expected to “act like a man” — even when I was barely ten. I remember scraping my knee badly during a football game and holding back tears while my friends laughed. Crying was weakness. Sensitivity was shame. Slowly, I learned to hide parts of myself: fear, vulnerability, softness.
In high school, identity became even more confusing. Being “manly” meant being confident, athletic, maybe even dominant. But I wasn’t always those things. I struggled with self-doubt, body image, and fear of not being “enough.” Looking back, I wasn’t alone — but at the time, no one talked about it.
The Pressure to Perform
The older I got, the more the pressure grew — silently but forcefully.
I felt I had to succeed academically, financially, and socially to be respected. I felt guilty when I failed. I avoided expressing stress or sadness because “men are supposed to handle it.” I pretended to be okay even when I wasn’t.
It wasn’t just about being strong — it was about being silent.
That silence nearly broke me. In my early twenties, during a hard time emotionally, I realized I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t know how to be weak. And without that ability, I couldn’t truly grow.
Growth: Redefining Myself
Growth started with honesty.
I began reading books, journaling, and talking to older men who had walked this path. For the first time, I learned that masculinity wasn’t just about physical strength — it was about emotional intelligence, responsibility, self-awareness.
I let myself cry. I forgave myself for not being perfect. I learned to say things like, “I need help” and “I’m scared.”
Strangely, the more I embraced these so-called “soft” sides, the stronger I felt — not in muscle, but in confidence, peace, and presence. That’s when I realized growth wasn’t about becoming a different man — but becoming more whole.
Masculinity, Reclaimed
Today, I see masculinity differently.
It’s not about dominance — it’s about self-mastery. It’s not about never crying — it’s about knowing when and why to cry.
Healthy masculinity is not toxic or weak. It’s balanced. It’s being kind without being passive, being strong without being cold, and being vulnerable without feeling ashamed.
I’m still growing — and I always will be. But now, I choose my own definition of manhood, not the one forced on me by outdated expectations.
Conclusion: The Man I’m Becoming
The journey of becoming a man isn’t a straight path — it’s full of questions, pressure, and unlearning. But I believe true masculinity isn’t about perfection. It’s about growth, character, and courage — especially the courage to be authentic.
To every boy or man reading this: You don’t have to fit into anyone’s box. Your softness is not your weakness. Your feelings are not your enemy. Being a man is not about being fearless — it’s about facing your fears honestly.
As the writer John Eldredge once said, “A man’s deepest question is ‘Do I have what it takes?’”
Yes, you do. And sometimes, it begins with saying — “I don’t have to pretend anymore.”
